I remember,
failing in the History exam in VI,
I wept till my eyes turned pink...
was new in the school, teacher gave an ugly look,
said..another looser comes here..
Don't wanted to face Dad..
felt like running away somewhere..
I remember,
the Finals with APS,L in XI,
last wicket,eight runs per over..
A freaky bowler and an aching head,
but the game depends on me the coach said...
The very second ball, I saw my bails go in the air,
disappointed,deserted, disintegrated everything i was,
wanted the pitch to sink and fossilize me than and there..
I remember,
my breakup in the III yr,
I ran and ran to catch up the time,
hoping like always some,how i 'll make things fine.
nothing got sorted, time dint stop
saw my pyramid of hope, crumbling from the top..
Realising not all life's best things stay forever...
I remember Roomil leaving us forever, last year,
I didn't cry, not even a single tear,
Stood dere and watched my bestest buddy go up in flames..
Just felt like looking up and asking god..
why was I the chosen one always here..
As I sit here and remember.
a billion such craps that i have survived..
fell ,rose and fell again,
but never gave up int the game called life..
I might not have still figured ,
how winning is done..
but some how along the course of life I have learned,
the way living is done..
though the elementary lesson of cricket still hold on,
life is one bouncy track..
the ball will not always come on to your bat..
stay on the pitch,keep moving your feet..
Someday,you will learn to live that bouncy pitch..
7 comments:
OMG!!!
first i thot u r sharing ur memories wid us.ur "rear view" :p
but later on..u chngd my perception...realy the way u ended the poem ws great!!!
its realy tough to handle bad tyms but stil v do it in a way like the hero's n heroine's
i realy liked the last four lines
cheers to ur spirit:):)
Buddy no offends here but I have a few corrections for you. The poem needs them desperately.
1st para,6th line:
Didn’t want to face Dad (tenses)
2nd para,
2nd line:
the finals with APS,L in XI, (punctuation)
5th line:
but the game depended on me; the coach said... (tenses)
8th line:
wanted the pitch to sink and fossilize me then and there.. (than is used for comparisons..)
3rd para
Stood there and watched my best buddy go up in flames.. (‘flames’ could be replaced with a subtle word as it is preferably used for non-living or the dead)
Just felt like looking up and ask God..
Why was I the chosen one always there?
5th para:
but never gave up the game called life..
6th para:
“the way living is done..” could be replaced with something like “the way to live”
‘Living is done’ is an incorrect phrase!
7th para:
Though the elementary lesson of cricket is still true, (hold on means to wait!)
life is one bouncy track..
the ball may not always come on to your bat.. (May is more fitting here)
Stay on the pitch, wait for making the right move (keep moving your feet is bit absurd in terms of lingo logics)
Besides there are some punctuation errors too.. U need to take care of capitals, commas, spell checks coz if you write the poems for yourself then its ok but to put them for your readers, you may try and make them more presentable. Poetry is a form of art and presentation is any day pivotal for art.
@silence
thx ladki...ur lines "its realy tough to handle bad tyms but stil v do it in a way like the hero's n heroine's" were amazing...
howsoevr big looser one cn be..we all act lik heros at sm part of out lif..or lets say lif makes ut rise lik dem at occasions...
cheers to spirits of al of us..
chak de!! :)
@Blogger "My macrocosm"
thx lady for ur valuable suggestions..u mentioned on my blog once dat u hav a fetish for poems...so i cn understand ur grievances for the same..i do have a pathetic sense of language n its logic..so i offer my sincere apologies..
though i wanted 2 convey dat i write dis blog entirely for myself..so dat sm yrs later if i feel lik goin back into flashback..i cn use dis..so i do pukin out watever i feel..
for 1st para:
Dont wanted to face dad (i guess dis is right atleast.),,do
for 2nd para,
2nd line...
NO ERRoR...Army Public School,Lucknow..is always abbreviated as APS,L (ya! its nt lik IIMA,ot IITD)...i hav spent some good amt of time in army public schools across india..so i guess m right...
5th line
the game depends on me,the coach said..
8th line
hav tried a lot foe "then" & "than"..nd "their" & "there",,,m too bad at it...i'l try improving frm d nxt time.. :)
3rd para,
yeah!! i saw my buddy goin up in flames...roomil died last yr..the scene ws frm his funeral..
7th para,
keep moving ur feet\keep ur feet moving...is a cricketing phrase dat means adjusting ur footwork in resonance wid d pitch/the bowling attack...so evn if it dosnt satisfy ur lingo logic...kindly bear wid me...i intended 2 say wat i hav said..
once again thx 4 ur suggestions..hope 2 receive more of ur feedback..dat wul defenetely help me to improve..
regards,
monk
I just wanted to be a sincere critic.. However if you write em for yourself then it satisfies it all.
I am sorry for your friend...I wasn't haviny any idea that flames were literal.
You are a brave man indeed!!
Anyhow now I don't wanna measure your poem on linguistic parameters..but if ever you put em to public exposure then at least check em once cz it givs an expression of an amateur writer.
Yet..keep coming with more!!
Take care
i loved it...!!
i could understand it completely, no amendments needed!!
grt one.. waiting for more.. :)
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